That response back from your friend...here for it!!! Yes, yes, and yes! One thing about love and healing is that we’re not going to have it all figured out or be completely “whole” if/when we experience it. We’ll hopefully be better versions of ourselves, but God always knows who/what we need when we need it. I was definitely in a different and better place all-around when I met Eric, but little did I know I was still on my healing journey...and that’s okay. My husband will admit that I still had walks up, but I told him I was more so “cautious.” Lol!!! I love how transparent you are, sis! I know so many of us can relate. So deep and you can feel the passion.
We are in this thang together. Your friend’s advice is amazing but it’s time that heals all wounds. Take your time. You’re aware and THAT’S what’s most important
I’m in a place on this journey where I feel like I’ll never be loved or let my guard down to the right one so I can be loved. Feel like I’m fighting myself. Trying to practice self love but heck I still question myself. This article was great and hit home deeply for me.
“I feel like I’m fighting myself” —-> that’s deep. I believe when we find the right one, we will know and through their consistency, them being a safe space for vulnerability and actions that the guard will come down in due time.
That’s the problem don’t ever feel like I’ll find the right one. They start off as a safe place then as soon as I speak up they say “we just friends I don’t want more” it’s an ever last circle for me and I don’t know how to get out
Its starting to get scary...your post are soooo on target. Very excited to read some of these suggested books. Thanks for sharing your journey...its a comfort to see other's experience the same thing.
I relate to your journey Necole. I solely focused on my career until my early 30's. In hindsight, I believe I made this decision because it was something I could control. I could hide behind my insecurities- or as I like to call them 'inner securities''. I neglected my desire for a relationship out of fear. Relationships offer you the opportunity to be vulnerable. To explore different parts of yourself. To be seen. And, I loved to hide my authentic self. In 2020, I had 3 different relationship experiences that changed my life. None of them were long term but they propelled me further along my journey. The experiences helped me break my shell - que India Arie's song and for the first time in my life I learned how to surrender. I now realize that relationships are my pathway to awakening. It's one thing to be self aware, it's another thing to embody it. I would have never grown if I did not jump in the game. It's much easier to stay addicted to the past. There is security in what you know versus the unknown. There are two books that have helped this past year that I wanted to share. Hope this helps!
1) Breaking the Habit of Who You Are by Joe Dispenza
Girl... I am just feeling undone and exposed. I was newly single and had what I think was the “right” man come along, but I felt when you said “not being mentally prepared to be vulnerable.” That level of closeness was new for me and so soon. I was trying to process how the shares made me feel about myself, let alone what feelings were developing amidst it all, prematurely, for him. Next thing I knew I was in love. So, I ran just by pulling in heavy on my alpha tendencies and subconsciously sabotaged everything, because I was trying to control it all just to protect myself...whew. Now my heart is achy. He asked to stay friends and I said I needed some space, and now feel the friendship window has closed. Ugh. I just can’t be a true friend if my mind constantly envisions more than that. Lol annoyed but still hopeful for love. “What’s for me is mine” is something that provides a mustard seed of comfort. :)
Thank you for sharing! I can relate. Wondering if you had anyone to talk to during those moments of feeling undone? There's some real soul-level work in those moments.
I reminded myself this morning that our thoughts become our reality. What we choose to focus on is what we will attract. It feels freeing when I'm able to lean into a moment versus living in the next.
I did. I also agree on the lean. My closest friends were there for me and I just allowed myself to feel it, fully. Doing a lot of self work to understand why I’m feeling it. Confronted a lot of wounds from childhood. Healing has been the most beautifully painful journey.
This was very timely, as I just watched a video from Shan Boodram sharing how she wasn’t “ready” for her husband when she met him, because she was in a place of still needed to be healed. However, she now realizes that relationships are great for our self development and that deciding to commit to him was one of the best decisions she has ever made. I now test myself by asking if I’m making a decision out of love or if it’s fear based. Dating is definitely challenging even more so in a pandemic, but I want a partner and I deserve requited love!
This is so on time. I am going to be 60 in July and I am still going through bs with men. I date men younger than me because I don’t attract older men, they claim I look like I could be their daughter. Right now the man I am dating is 52 and I am 59. I thought once you reach a certain age things would be different and minds would be matured, but I was wrong. Before this man the man I dated was 3 years older than me so I was sure I was good. He played more games than the younger ones. It seemed so much easier to date when I was younger. It was easier for me to deal with things and understand things and basically not care as much. It was easier for me to move on when things weren’t going well.
Now that I am older and more mature myself I thought dating would be a lot easier so my mind was prepared to love and be loved. I got rid of the hurt and pain I held in my heart for years. I had to in order to be able to give someone else love. So now I’m loving the man I’m with and giving it my all for him to tell me yesterday he don’t think he will ever get married. This was not what we discussed. My heart stopped. Here I am thinking we are building towards something and now 2 years in, this. I had just got my mind & heart ready so this really threw me for a loop. Now being older I feel so depressed and lost. When does love get easier? Now I don’t know how to be ready for the next man. Now my mindset is its not in the cards for me to ever be married. Just be happy being an entrepreneur and making money.
I think of the book The Amazing Development of Men and most men are supposed to be kings by this age. Wow!
So sorry to hear about your most recent relationship. That is heartbreaking. If I’ve learned anything in life, it is that God removes things from our lives so that he can replace it with something better. We have to trust that better is coming and that’s been one of the hardest things for me to personally grasp however he has never failed me.
Sending you a big hug as you feel your way through this and praying God gives you the strength to continue to love openly as you navigate dating and ultimately find the person that he has prepared for you.
Thank you so much. I really needed that hug. It just hurts so bad right now but one thing i do know is time heals all wounds. And that i know is true. I appreciate you.
I also think guys can sense your vulnerability and will use that to get in, I have had that happen to me it is disgusting. Yet I live and I learn. Every experience is an opportunity to LEARN.
If I can’t be vulnerable with you, I can’t date you. It’s crucial to developing intimacy and deep soul connections versus shallow surface level relationships. In me knowing this, I have to go into things willing to be open and vulnerable and take that risk because I know what I want is going to require me to have an open heart versus a closed one.
I sooooooo Agree with you. I am a beneath the surface kind of women. To the point when I have conversations with guys they be like what planet are you from 😂, I love to talk and connect with other souls. I will never hold back from that; yet I will watch for the signs they are there and present always.
Exactly! The beauty is in being the present moment. I think I’ve missed a lot of great opportunities to connect because I was thinking about and living in the future. It’s a beautiful thing when you can view connections from a pure lens and I’m on that journey now. I’m getting better at it as I go. The moment I’m able to let go of the fear of the unknown, I have won
You’re so dope. Honestly so many women are missing this because of the pain that exist. But they don’t understand it is when we face it, the weight lifts that we have been carrying. And although walking through is tough; getting through will be all the while worth it. I embrace the unknown because I have closed my eyes and activated my faith. I trust the divine and that is just in one aspect of my life; there are others I am still peeling. It’s levels. But we will get there because we have already started our walk. WE GOT THIS!!!!!!
Please read this book EVERYTHING IS HERE TO HELP YOU. A loving guide to your souls evolution by Matt Kahn LISTEN TO ME; this will touch every inch of your soul!
Thank you for sharing your journey with us. And you are NOT the only one who knows the alienated feeling of healing and peeling back layers and layers of old trauma and pain that we are now revisiting. The interference of growing deeply and intimately with yourself and some random guy dropping out of the sky has you looking around like ahh “ WHO SENT HIM?” god is that you? 👀 lol. Yet if I can be honest we have all been here and I feel every thing you feel, and I think it is mostly associated with healing from past and digging deeper than it is with thinking you’ll get hurt again. Why do we have the fear and anxiety? Because it is deep deep down stemming from old wounds generationally passed down that we never acknowledge we simply neglected. Your friend isn’t coming from a bad place but I disagree with her perspective a little, only YOU know when you are truly ready. Every bit of your soul will alert you, you won’t have time to hold back. He could have just showed up at a time on your journey; doesn’t mean everyone we meet is meant to STAY! He’s here for a reason an opportunity to learn more of who you are. Relationships are mirrors! And I deeply believe it isn’t only “Decisions” that plays a part in who we meet, it is what we believe, and think about ourselves that we ATTRACT into our lives. Trust yourself through this journey Necole and again thank you so much for allowing us to experience this journey with you. ❤️❤️❤️🙏🏾
The beautiful part about all of this is that no matter what happens, I’ll grow from it. I continue opening myself with every new friendship and I’m able to dive deeper with every single soul that enters my space, no matter if they are temporary or if they decide to stay awhile
And that is THE most beautiful essence of it. Everything we face daily, is beautiful I always say there’s life in it all and we are alive experiencing and connecting with ourselves it is all beautiful. I love every bit of my journey as I evolve and I am happy to see you sharing this with us which gives us this great platform to release in another way DAILY as we connect with one another. This was a great idea you chose to do, I hope you continue to connect with us. You ROCK and you’re not alone 🤟🏾🙏🏾❤️
Why do I always feel like we are living the same life. I'm over IT! LOL. One of my good girlfriends also texted me lastnight with a similar reminder to stop trying to make past trauma, current trauma. It's sooo hard but I know in the end the good outweighs the bad! Thank you for always being transparent. It's a reminder that this thing called life is ghetto for us all LOL jk jk but seriously thank you!
You're on time with this post. I just put the brakes on a man that I started catching feelings for, simply because I know my anxiety and fears are messing with my head. I told him I need some time and he is giving me my space. Everything else about him felt right, but I know I'm not ready.
To see your post about how we approach relationships at different stages is great reflection for me. I know I'm so guarded now from previous failed relationships that I'm not open to the flow with anyone. Reaching out to my therapist right now!
Thank you for sharing yourself with us Necole. -Moe
Necole, this piece right here really dug deep into my inner soul. It's as if you were mirroring me and all the triggers flared up, the tears rolled out, like man, I can so relate to this ... but I totally agree with your sentiments:
I desire a healthy love.
A healing love.
A soul-stirring love.
A love that doesn’t require me to shrink and allows me to show up in the fullness of who I am.
But sometimes because of where we've been we tend to self-sabotage and want to hide out behind that healing (I know I'm guilty of it) but your friend in love is right, once you are aware of the red flags, your weaknesses, then it all becomes common sense, sort of like getting back on that bike and riding it again, or so they say. Finding love again should always be on a clear playing field where your heart is not being subjected to what everyone else is doing, but what it feels happy to feel.
Feelings develop through shared experiences, and a shared story together. I definitely think this is true, but dating without expectation doesn’t really allow this to flourish because it’s more like going with the flow or living in the meantime. Think as women because we’re groomed from birth to attain perfection we hold on to that in every aspect of our life and sometimes dating can be a collision course if things are too perfect. I'm open to new things and wholesome relation now, but it has not been easy. I applaud you for always, always keeping these articles so REAL and relatable... I can't wait to hear how you progress into your new journey blossoms, but in the meantime, just have FUN❤
Thank you! I always say my dating experience from last year was a crash course into my higher self. This year, it’s about making better decisions to get better results.
Also, Everyone you meet will not be a soulmate. Some are just meant to teach you a lesson or evolve you in some ways during that current season.
A WHOLE wordt! I am in the SAME boat. A man is showing me a healthy, stable, type of love and commitment and my mind is freaking TF out lol giving myself the SAME excuse of in a season of healing or busyness. Thank you for validating how healing is making better/good choices. I needed to hear this today.
I’m learning that healing isn’t a destination. It’s a continuous journey of evolving and facing what makes us uncomfortable. You can’t grow within comfort
That response back from your friend...here for it!!! Yes, yes, and yes! One thing about love and healing is that we’re not going to have it all figured out or be completely “whole” if/when we experience it. We’ll hopefully be better versions of ourselves, but God always knows who/what we need when we need it. I was definitely in a different and better place all-around when I met Eric, but little did I know I was still on my healing journey...and that’s okay. My husband will admit that I still had walks up, but I told him I was more so “cautious.” Lol!!! I love how transparent you are, sis! I know so many of us can relate. So deep and you can feel the passion.
*walls up
Thank you so much Shonda! I love when you share your story! I appreciate you so much
Sis was nothing playing with me 😩
We are in this thang together. Your friend’s advice is amazing but it’s time that heals all wounds. Take your time. You’re aware and THAT’S what’s most important
Absolutely! Thank you so much for your comment and support
I’m in a place on this journey where I feel like I’ll never be loved or let my guard down to the right one so I can be loved. Feel like I’m fighting myself. Trying to practice self love but heck I still question myself. This article was great and hit home deeply for me.
“I feel like I’m fighting myself” —-> that’s deep. I believe when we find the right one, we will know and through their consistency, them being a safe space for vulnerability and actions that the guard will come down in due time.
That’s the problem don’t ever feel like I’ll find the right one. They start off as a safe place then as soon as I speak up they say “we just friends I don’t want more” it’s an ever last circle for me and I don’t know how to get out
Its starting to get scary...your post are soooo on target. Very excited to read some of these suggested books. Thanks for sharing your journey...its a comfort to see other's experience the same thing.
I relate to your journey Necole. I solely focused on my career until my early 30's. In hindsight, I believe I made this decision because it was something I could control. I could hide behind my insecurities- or as I like to call them 'inner securities''. I neglected my desire for a relationship out of fear. Relationships offer you the opportunity to be vulnerable. To explore different parts of yourself. To be seen. And, I loved to hide my authentic self. In 2020, I had 3 different relationship experiences that changed my life. None of them were long term but they propelled me further along my journey. The experiences helped me break my shell - que India Arie's song and for the first time in my life I learned how to surrender. I now realize that relationships are my pathway to awakening. It's one thing to be self aware, it's another thing to embody it. I would have never grown if I did not jump in the game. It's much easier to stay addicted to the past. There is security in what you know versus the unknown. There are two books that have helped this past year that I wanted to share. Hope this helps!
1) Breaking the Habit of Who You Are by Joe Dispenza
2) Powerful and Feminine by Jayne Groover
Girl... I am just feeling undone and exposed. I was newly single and had what I think was the “right” man come along, but I felt when you said “not being mentally prepared to be vulnerable.” That level of closeness was new for me and so soon. I was trying to process how the shares made me feel about myself, let alone what feelings were developing amidst it all, prematurely, for him. Next thing I knew I was in love. So, I ran just by pulling in heavy on my alpha tendencies and subconsciously sabotaged everything, because I was trying to control it all just to protect myself...whew. Now my heart is achy. He asked to stay friends and I said I needed some space, and now feel the friendship window has closed. Ugh. I just can’t be a true friend if my mind constantly envisions more than that. Lol annoyed but still hopeful for love. “What’s for me is mine” is something that provides a mustard seed of comfort. :)
Thank you for sharing! I can relate. Wondering if you had anyone to talk to during those moments of feeling undone? There's some real soul-level work in those moments.
I reminded myself this morning that our thoughts become our reality. What we choose to focus on is what we will attract. It feels freeing when I'm able to lean into a moment versus living in the next.
I did. I also agree on the lean. My closest friends were there for me and I just allowed myself to feel it, fully. Doing a lot of self work to understand why I’m feeling it. Confronted a lot of wounds from childhood. Healing has been the most beautifully painful journey.
And those pictures are cool OMG how was that being in the exhibit, I almost forgot to mention. I want to gooooo! Did you feel anything being there?
This was very timely, as I just watched a video from Shan Boodram sharing how she wasn’t “ready” for her husband when she met him, because she was in a place of still needed to be healed. However, she now realizes that relationships are great for our self development and that deciding to commit to him was one of the best decisions she has ever made. I now test myself by asking if I’m making a decision out of love or if it’s fear based. Dating is definitely challenging even more so in a pandemic, but I want a partner and I deserve requited love!
Just watched her video and I remember that very first one she posted on Valentine’s Day. Wow! Thank you for sharing!
This is so on time. I am going to be 60 in July and I am still going through bs with men. I date men younger than me because I don’t attract older men, they claim I look like I could be their daughter. Right now the man I am dating is 52 and I am 59. I thought once you reach a certain age things would be different and minds would be matured, but I was wrong. Before this man the man I dated was 3 years older than me so I was sure I was good. He played more games than the younger ones. It seemed so much easier to date when I was younger. It was easier for me to deal with things and understand things and basically not care as much. It was easier for me to move on when things weren’t going well.
Now that I am older and more mature myself I thought dating would be a lot easier so my mind was prepared to love and be loved. I got rid of the hurt and pain I held in my heart for years. I had to in order to be able to give someone else love. So now I’m loving the man I’m with and giving it my all for him to tell me yesterday he don’t think he will ever get married. This was not what we discussed. My heart stopped. Here I am thinking we are building towards something and now 2 years in, this. I had just got my mind & heart ready so this really threw me for a loop. Now being older I feel so depressed and lost. When does love get easier? Now I don’t know how to be ready for the next man. Now my mindset is its not in the cards for me to ever be married. Just be happy being an entrepreneur and making money.
I think of the book The Amazing Development of Men and most men are supposed to be kings by this age. Wow!
So sorry to hear about your most recent relationship. That is heartbreaking. If I’ve learned anything in life, it is that God removes things from our lives so that he can replace it with something better. We have to trust that better is coming and that’s been one of the hardest things for me to personally grasp however he has never failed me.
Sending you a big hug as you feel your way through this and praying God gives you the strength to continue to love openly as you navigate dating and ultimately find the person that he has prepared for you.
Thank you so much. I really needed that hug. It just hurts so bad right now but one thing i do know is time heals all wounds. And that i know is true. I appreciate you.
I also think guys can sense your vulnerability and will use that to get in, I have had that happen to me it is disgusting. Yet I live and I learn. Every experience is an opportunity to LEARN.
If I can’t be vulnerable with you, I can’t date you. It’s crucial to developing intimacy and deep soul connections versus shallow surface level relationships. In me knowing this, I have to go into things willing to be open and vulnerable and take that risk because I know what I want is going to require me to have an open heart versus a closed one.
I sooooooo Agree with you. I am a beneath the surface kind of women. To the point when I have conversations with guys they be like what planet are you from 😂, I love to talk and connect with other souls. I will never hold back from that; yet I will watch for the signs they are there and present always.
Exactly! The beauty is in being the present moment. I think I’ve missed a lot of great opportunities to connect because I was thinking about and living in the future. It’s a beautiful thing when you can view connections from a pure lens and I’m on that journey now. I’m getting better at it as I go. The moment I’m able to let go of the fear of the unknown, I have won
You’re so dope. Honestly so many women are missing this because of the pain that exist. But they don’t understand it is when we face it, the weight lifts that we have been carrying. And although walking through is tough; getting through will be all the while worth it. I embrace the unknown because I have closed my eyes and activated my faith. I trust the divine and that is just in one aspect of my life; there are others I am still peeling. It’s levels. But we will get there because we have already started our walk. WE GOT THIS!!!!!!
Please read this book EVERYTHING IS HERE TO HELP YOU. A loving guide to your souls evolution by Matt Kahn LISTEN TO ME; this will touch every inch of your soul!
Thank you for sharing your journey with us. And you are NOT the only one who knows the alienated feeling of healing and peeling back layers and layers of old trauma and pain that we are now revisiting. The interference of growing deeply and intimately with yourself and some random guy dropping out of the sky has you looking around like ahh “ WHO SENT HIM?” god is that you? 👀 lol. Yet if I can be honest we have all been here and I feel every thing you feel, and I think it is mostly associated with healing from past and digging deeper than it is with thinking you’ll get hurt again. Why do we have the fear and anxiety? Because it is deep deep down stemming from old wounds generationally passed down that we never acknowledge we simply neglected. Your friend isn’t coming from a bad place but I disagree with her perspective a little, only YOU know when you are truly ready. Every bit of your soul will alert you, you won’t have time to hold back. He could have just showed up at a time on your journey; doesn’t mean everyone we meet is meant to STAY! He’s here for a reason an opportunity to learn more of who you are. Relationships are mirrors! And I deeply believe it isn’t only “Decisions” that plays a part in who we meet, it is what we believe, and think about ourselves that we ATTRACT into our lives. Trust yourself through this journey Necole and again thank you so much for allowing us to experience this journey with you. ❤️❤️❤️🙏🏾
The beautiful part about all of this is that no matter what happens, I’ll grow from it. I continue opening myself with every new friendship and I’m able to dive deeper with every single soul that enters my space, no matter if they are temporary or if they decide to stay awhile
And that is THE most beautiful essence of it. Everything we face daily, is beautiful I always say there’s life in it all and we are alive experiencing and connecting with ourselves it is all beautiful. I love every bit of my journey as I evolve and I am happy to see you sharing this with us which gives us this great platform to release in another way DAILY as we connect with one another. This was a great idea you chose to do, I hope you continue to connect with us. You ROCK and you’re not alone 🤟🏾🙏🏾❤️
Why do I always feel like we are living the same life. I'm over IT! LOL. One of my good girlfriends also texted me lastnight with a similar reminder to stop trying to make past trauma, current trauma. It's sooo hard but I know in the end the good outweighs the bad! Thank you for always being transparent. It's a reminder that this thing called life is ghetto for us all LOL jk jk but seriously thank you!
You're on time with this post. I just put the brakes on a man that I started catching feelings for, simply because I know my anxiety and fears are messing with my head. I told him I need some time and he is giving me my space. Everything else about him felt right, but I know I'm not ready.
To see your post about how we approach relationships at different stages is great reflection for me. I know I'm so guarded now from previous failed relationships that I'm not open to the flow with anyone. Reaching out to my therapist right now!
Thank you for sharing yourself with us Necole. -Moe
Necole, this piece right here really dug deep into my inner soul. It's as if you were mirroring me and all the triggers flared up, the tears rolled out, like man, I can so relate to this ... but I totally agree with your sentiments:
I desire a healthy love.
A healing love.
A soul-stirring love.
A love that doesn’t require me to shrink and allows me to show up in the fullness of who I am.
But sometimes because of where we've been we tend to self-sabotage and want to hide out behind that healing (I know I'm guilty of it) but your friend in love is right, once you are aware of the red flags, your weaknesses, then it all becomes common sense, sort of like getting back on that bike and riding it again, or so they say. Finding love again should always be on a clear playing field where your heart is not being subjected to what everyone else is doing, but what it feels happy to feel.
Feelings develop through shared experiences, and a shared story together. I definitely think this is true, but dating without expectation doesn’t really allow this to flourish because it’s more like going with the flow or living in the meantime. Think as women because we’re groomed from birth to attain perfection we hold on to that in every aspect of our life and sometimes dating can be a collision course if things are too perfect. I'm open to new things and wholesome relation now, but it has not been easy. I applaud you for always, always keeping these articles so REAL and relatable... I can't wait to hear how you progress into your new journey blossoms, but in the meantime, just have FUN❤
Thank you! I always say my dating experience from last year was a crash course into my higher self. This year, it’s about making better decisions to get better results.
Also, Everyone you meet will not be a soulmate. Some are just meant to teach you a lesson or evolve you in some ways during that current season.
A WHOLE wordt! I am in the SAME boat. A man is showing me a healthy, stable, type of love and commitment and my mind is freaking TF out lol giving myself the SAME excuse of in a season of healing or busyness. Thank you for validating how healing is making better/good choices. I needed to hear this today.
I’m learning that healing isn’t a destination. It’s a continuous journey of evolving and facing what makes us uncomfortable. You can’t grow within comfort
High on the self-love!
Yasss! Heavy on it!