Anybody Wanna Buy A Heart?
When healing becomes a crutch...
Hey Fam!
I’m back in your inbox after a very intense week of self-reflection, self-love and all the things…
There is a soul that has entered my space recently, right in the middle of my healing from a very tumultuous dating situation last year, and I’m unsure what to do with this person as I work through my triggers, and give myself the grace and space to embrace this ever-evolving person I am becoming.
Metamorphosis is gruesome AF.
The other week, I had a man hold and hug me in a way that I hadn’t been hugged before. It literally caused an explosion inside of me as my neglected inner child, …the one who never heard the words, “I love you” from the lips of her mother, and the one who didn’t receive hugs or words of affirmation from her parents because they were emotionally incapable of giving her the love she needed, came to the surface. It was an unexplainable, unfamiliar feeling for me and I wasn’t sure what to do with it.
The thing is, just because we weren’t exposed to that type of love when we were growing up, doesn’t mean we aren’t deserving of it. I have to constantly remind myself of that when self-sabotage comes knocking at my door. In this chapter of my life, I’m trying to call in a different kind of love than what I’ve been used to seeing or conditioned to receive and it requires me to be a bit braver in my vulnerability journey.
Still, if I can be very honest, I’m super unprepared mentally to be vulnerable with another human being during this particular season. **cues Debra Cox “How did you get here? Nobody’s supposed to be here.”
It’s uncomfortable.
And can we just talk about the art of dating while healing for a minute…
It’s excruciating.
There is a lot of unlearning.
A lot of checking yourself when it comes to fear and ego-based interactions.
Becoming aware of what parts of your personality and engagement with others are trauma-based.
Constantly colliding with your wounded inner child.
Feeling exposed as you unveil all the imperfect pieces.
I’d just rather not…
This weekend, I attempted to confide in a good friend about my decision to sit this season out, and she was not here for any of my “healing” excuses and shenanigans.
Heavy on the tough love.
Over the last three years, I put a pause on my personal life and dating as I worked on expanding my company after the acquisition, so all of this feels very new to me. During that time, I viewed relationships as a distraction, a loss of freedom, and a loss of self but now I’ve shifted my perspective. A relationship with the right person will only add value to whatever else I have going on in my life.
When I imagine myself at the end of my life and ask myself how I will evaluate my time here, there is only one question that concerns me: Did I love well?
-The Invitation
Although I am a woman who has yet to experience what it’s like to be deeply in love, if I were to be very honest with myself, I desire to experience a requited love.
I desire a healthy love.
A healing love.
A soul-stirring love.
A love that doesn’t require me to shrink and allows me to show up in the fullness of who I am.
And no matter how much I’m out here telling these men, I’m only looking for friendship as a way to protect myself from getting disappointed, I do desire a serious relationship.
I deserve that and it will require me to navigate the world with an open heart to get it.
I got this!
At any rate, if some of you are wondering why dating becomes a bit more difficult as you mature in adulthood, I was randomly listening to a random podcast on intimacy recently while working out, and a relationship coach made the following point:
“As a younger person, you allow yourself the experience of meeting someone, seeing where it takes you, and unfolding with the story while embracing the surprise of where this is going that you didn’t expect. When you are looking for a relationship as an adult, and you come with your expectations, you often torch the possibility of a story to unfold and to surprise you because you are sitting there with an inventory. And you are not allowing for the unknown to take you on a ride that you didn’t see coming.
Dating that involves a checklist is doomed.
It’s anti-romance.
It’s anti-story and stories are the way that we live our lives.
Feelings develop through shared experiences and a shared story together.”
Which leads me to ask, “Is it actually possible to date without a few expectations?
Galentine’s Weekend…
Leading up to Valentine’s Day, I was heavy on the self-love while romancing myself through candles, bubble baths, red wine, chocolates, and allowing myself to veer off of my structured daily routine. I was unproductive AF, but I needed the break.
As Toni Jones stated during xoNecole’s Own The Shift event a few Saturdays ago, as women we need to give ourselves permission to play, and for me, that means prioritizing my pleasure.
Galentine’s Day was a vibe this year with me and one of my girlfriends hitting up The Black Hair Experience exhibit in Atlanta on Saturday.
It was a beauty funhouse full of throwback hair magazines, hair products, scarfs, and hot combs which made for some nostalgic memories.
If you are in Atlanta, you can find out more about the experience on the Black Hair Experience website.
Books I’m Reading…
Y’all have been asking for a book list. I’ll drop a few relationship-centered books that have helped me understand myself as well as the men I date on this soul-defining journey:
The Amazing Development of Men: Every Man’s Journey From Knight To Prince To King (Audible book)
**this is one of the most profound books I’ve read when it comes to breaking down men’s various stages of development. I think this should be required reading for all women
Dear Lover: A Women’s Guide To Men, Sex & Love’s Deepest Bliss
Other books I’ve read on my healing journey:
Love Me Don’t Leave Me: Overcoming Fear of Abandonment and Building Loving, Lasting Relationships
Conquering Shame & Co-Dependency: 8 Steps To Freeing The True You
Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment & How It Can Help You Find -And Keep- Love
On the calendar this week…
I’m working on getting the first episode of the audio newsletter/podcast out by mid-week. For real this time…
I’ve been sitting on episodes that I recorded in early January due to them not being as amazing in quality as I would like, but I have to get over it. Especially after finding out that perfectionism is a response to trauma. CHILE….
Y’all are really seeing me on this journey of growth as I let go of the need to control and perfect everything.
Ain’t it beautiful.
Talk To Me
For my single, ambitious, professional women who are trying to hold it down career-wise but also date, I want to know where are you are in the journey?
This is a question for the men too since I picked up a lot of men subscribers after The High-Value Man post.
That response back from your friend...here for it!!! Yes, yes, and yes! One thing about love and healing is that we’re not going to have it all figured out or be completely “whole” if/when we experience it. We’ll hopefully be better versions of ourselves, but God always knows who/what we need when we need it. I was definitely in a different and better place all-around when I met Eric, but little did I know I was still on my healing journey...and that’s okay. My husband will admit that I still had walks up, but I told him I was more so “cautious.” Lol!!! I love how transparent you are, sis! I know so many of us can relate. So deep and you can feel the passion.
We are in this thang together. Your friend’s advice is amazing but it’s time that heals all wounds. Take your time. You’re aware and THAT’S what’s most important