Last week, I reached out to the text tribe to get an idea of what my subscribers were hoping I covered in these newsletters, and Dede from Charlotte wrote back, “Would love for you to do something on this high-value man/high-value woman topic that is circulating…”
I chuckled while thinking to myself, “there is no way in the world that me, a single, black woman in Atlanta, is going to touch that topic,” but here we go…
In 2014, I was experiencing the peak of my gossip-blogging career and life was absolutely golden. I was living in a two-story double balcony condo in Beverly Hills that I was subleasing from one of the Jacksons, driving my dream car, my credit score was popping and I was hitting Equinox daily trying to kick start my fitness journey.
Looking back, I naively thought my status, being covered in magazines, making a ton of money, and tweeting out a few self-love quotes made me a high-value woman.
But there ain’t nothing that will test your perception of self than when you meet your ideal man.
One day, in the midst of hoping, praying, and wishing that I’d meet the Jay-z to my Beyonce, I received a call from a well-known relationship coach that was doubling as a Hollywood matchmaker. He had made connections between some very well-known couples and sometimes would call me to do reference checks on people to see what I knew about them. Although I rarely knew any of the people he inquired about personally, as a blogger I kept an archive of stories in my head. On this particular day, he inquired about a singer, and I told him that she was just spotted on a beach vacay with a ballplayer but I’d text her to confirm that this was indeed a thing.
Before he hung up, I jokingly said, “Don’t forget about me while you are hooking all these folks up….”
I left it at that.
Not less than a week later, he texted me, “Are you interested in going on a date with a guy who’s visiting LA? Setting it up now.”
I was like, damn! He works fast.
Now, this particular matchmaker is known to have a roster of professional athletes so I was relieved to find out that the guy he had in mind was actually a coach, older than me, and he had his ish together. But he was very tight-lipped on specifics outside of his first name and occupation.
This was about to be a full-on blind date…
Sign me up!
I let him know that Hubby Potential had already sent me a text and I was immediately guided through what to say so I didn’t eff things up.
After a bit of chatting, I updated Mr. Matchmaker that plans were set and I was going to meet the guy the next day for breakfast.
And he was serious.
The next morning, I met Hubby Potential at a cafe, and he was everything I had envisioned my soulmate to be. An alpha male, handsome, god-fearing, confident, intelligent, well-dressed, well-versed, and motivational. Over bite-fulls of scrambled eggs, he carried the conversation and rarely broke eye-contact while expressing his views. I could tell the way he talked about coaching and mentorship that he was living in his purpose. I literally felt my heart flutter a little when he casually mentioned that he suggests that his players take women that they are serious about to breakfast on the first date, rather than dinner because dinner would more than likely lead to drinks, and drinks could lead elsewhere.
I barely ate while I soaked in every word that rolled off his tongue. Meanwhile, I felt myself growing more and more insecure by the minute.
Up until that point, my view of men was very narrow and based on the rappers, athletes, and entertainers that I blogged about daily. Most would eventually get caught up in cheating scandals, domestic violence incidents, or have “break babies” on their wives and weren’t the best example of great men. In my actual everyday life, due to the proximity rule, most of the men I knew were industry and so that’s what I’d end up dating, but never had I met a man of this type of stature before.
I was intimidated.
I felt hella flawed.
What would someone like him, see in a woman like me?
He was a man well-versed in politics, finances, the world, spirituality, and self-development, and I was only well-versed in the latest gossip.
Yes, I had acquired all these material things, success, money, a luxury car, and designer clothes, but they were only there to mask everything that I was lacking. I was using those things as a cover-up for my lack of confidence, low self-worth, and even lower self-esteem.
We were not in alignment.
After the date, I received a text from the matchmaker asking me how everything went, and I told him I wasn’t really sure I was a match for this guy. He assured me I was just going through ugly duckling syndrome (LOL…his words not mine), and that I need to get my sh*t together and stop being average. If I wanted better, I’d need to be better and date better.
And he was right. The entire situation shed light on areas where I needed major improvement and I humbly accepted that I needed to do some self-work before I found my Mr. Right. It was time to make some serious changes in my life because the way manifestation works:
You have to become the person you want to attract.
And the better you become, the better you attract.
Over the next few months, I moved from LA to Arizona to go through a personal transition that included closing down my gossip site, (the type of man I wanted wasn’t going to date a gossiper) and switching up my friends’ circle. I distanced myself from toxic people and negative situations and immersed myself in a new fitness and wellness lifestyle while also embarking on a healing journey that included therapy, chakra balancing, and energy healing.
And I read books, tons of them.
If you ever want to know what a person values, take a look at their bookshelf.
Meanwhile, Hubby Potential kept in touch and repositioned himself as a mentor in my life, occasionally sharing the books that he was reading, and videos that he thought would help me along on my self-discovery journey. I openly credited him and repeatedly thanked him for the woman I was becoming, and he constantly affirmed me.
Truth is, he saw me… before I could see me.
He constantly made sure I knew my worth and helped groom me into a woman of high-value.
Almost three years later, when it was time to leave Arizona and go back out into the world as this new, healed, self-aware version of myself, I attempted to reconnect with him but decided to do some “blogger” research before I did so. My heart dropped when I saw that six months prior, he had met his soulmate during his travels and had gotten married. Of course, I googled her too and could tell they were equally yoked.
I was happy for him!
But damn! That definitely sucked for me! He was the one that got away.
The thing is, people will roll their eyes at this whole high-value thing, but we only reach as far as our eyes can see. If you’ve never been exposed to someone of that caliber, of course, you are going to believe it’s not possible for you, or you’ll adopt an “I’ll take what I can get mentality.” And the term high-value has nothing to do with the amount of money he makes or the type of lifestyle he can provide. If he has certain values, all of that extra stuff will come automatically.
High-value says more about what a person values than it does their monetary worth.
This man allowed me to see that I didn’t have to settle for men whose communication style was limited to “WYD” texts or gifting, and whose self-worth was dependent on flashy cars, jewelry, $200 dates, and how many bags they could buy the women they were chasing.
I didn’t have to settle for men who didn’t know how to make time.
I didn’t have to settle for men who looked at women as accessories versus partners in their evolution.
Or men who were masking their trauma versus addressing their traumas.
When women have lists of qualities they are looking for in their ideal mate, sometimes people say they are asking for too much. I don’t believe we ask for enough. You want to make sure your values are in alignment. If I date a man that’s eating at McDonald’s 3 times a day, that tells me his values when it comes to his health isn’t exactly in alignment with mine as a woman who has a whole food diet and works out daily. I have a morning routine and structure to my day, so I’m naturally attracted to men that have structured mornings because that is an indication that he has intentional anchors that help set up his day. If a man is fit, that tells me he values being in shape and he is disciplined. That normally pours over into other areas of his life. If his bookshelf is stacked with self-development books, and he has mentors that is an indication to me that he has a relentless commitment to meeting a higher version of himself.
A high-value man is normally well-traveled and an avid reader. His friend circles are filled with men who are committed to leveling up emotionally, spiritually, and mentally, but also desire to be providers, good fathers, and amazing husbands.
(And you won’t find these types of men on the Internet arguing with others about whether the man or woman should pay for the first date…)
They know better so they are committed to doing better.
As far as women, I am a believer that we should work on becoming who we want to attract. If we want a partner that communicates without turning up, we have to learn to communicate in that manner. If we want a partner that’s a safe space and brings us peace, we have to learn to be a safe space and be their peace.
If we want a partner that is a leader, then we have to be willing to be led.
And if we want them to speak our love language, we have to be willing to learn to speak theirs.
High-value people have no room for selfishness or the unwillingness to compromise. They aren’t stuck in their ways or refuse to change. They use disagreements as an opportunity for growth and an opportunity to learn a perspective that is different than their own. They recognize that what doesn’t challenge you, doesn’t change you.
As of 2021, I’m still patiently waiting for my soulmate but I have learned to be at peace with being single because as I’ve mentioned before, dating with a scarcity mindset will always lead to heartbreak. I am confident God is preparing my perfect match and that person will be in total alignment with not only who I am today, but who I am becoming.
I am a high-value woman and he will be a high-value man.
As for Mr. Hubby Potential, before I cut off all communication, this is one of the last notes that he left me, and I’ll leave it with you:
“It is so important that women be extra careful about who they allow into their lives because women are multipliers. Whatever is given to her, she will multiply it and give it back to her partner, friends, and the world.
It all comes down to VALUE. So many women do not know their value so they begin to settle for below-market treatment. When you truly know your value and believe it, you only accept what you truly believe is fair and accurate treatment from the other person. You are a businesswoman, if I came to you and said I wanted to pay you $35 for ad space, you would tell me to get lost. Why? Because you truly know what the VALUE of your company/product is so nobody can shortchange you. Women have to start doing the same when it comes to love. Set your price, manage the customers who come into your store, and stand firm on what your value is because the minute you start accepting lower offers, your product will never be viewed the same. It’s not arrogance, but an awareness that says I know what I offer and what I bring to the table so the other person has to be willing to pay the price that is required.
In certain cultures, the man has to pay a dowry for his bride. 1) It’s a sign of respect, 2) It shows he recognized the value of the women he is marrying, 3) it shows the family he has the means to provide.
We don’t use that here but women have to be sure this man is aware of her value before investing herself in him. The wealthier the family, the higher the dowry. Why? The wealthy family has set a certain standard on who married their daughter. Tell any man you meet now, “I need you to be willing to pay the price to be in my life. And I can’t compromise my value.”
You will meet the right person at the right time. But the energy you put out will play a major role in who you attract. How you see yourself and how you see the world. You have to BELIEVE that the person you need is out there. Live every day as if it’s possible that that person does exist and they will come when you both are ready. Until that time, constantly work on becoming a better version of yourself. “
Happy high-value dating!
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