Last night, as I reached for the door handle to exit my friend’s vehicle, I couldn’t help but notice her doubtful glance. While she had run out of hope for love, I was standing there a hopeless romantic, even in the midst of a dating situation that had took a turn for the absolute worse. “I refuse to be a sh*tty person. God has blessed me too much over the last few years,” I told her as we wrapped up a conversation about my choice to continue to be kind even in the midst of wrongdoing. “Besides, I’ve had nothing but amazing dating experiences over the last two years and I think it’s a reflection of all the hard work I’ve put into myself.” I told her while exiting the car. She sent the above text a few minutes later.
Over the last few weeks, I went through an experience in my personal life that left all parties involved scarred and bruised. And even within that disappointment for me, I still approach my dating life through a positive lens. I'm the type of woman that writes thank you notes to her lovers in her journal at the completion of our experience together because no matter how it ended, I learned something valuable.
I enjoyed our time together and I understood that this was an assignment or soul contract that was meant to teach us something so that we could advance to the next level of our personal development, even if it meant that it would one day come to an abrupt end.
“Thank you for journeying through part of this life with me. Thank you for the person you helped me become,” is what some of those journal entries look like. It helps me to release them with love. There's no reason to hold hate and malice, or develop a harden heart which may prevent the person who is for me from finding me.
Truth be told, I hate how we ended. This is someone I had admired deeply and unfairly placed on a pedestal in my life. So much so that they would never truly be able to uphold or maintain the image I had curated of them in my head.
I remember a night in February after something pivotal happened in our dating situation, and I was so mad that I didn’t know if I would ever speak to him again, I said in a moment of reflection:
“I’m starting to realize that I rarely feel safe. I don’t feel safe when I am in parking decks. I don’t feel safe when I have to go to the gas station, but I always feel safe when I’m with you.”
Safety is what initially attracted me to this man. I first spotted him in 2022 as he walked into a small gathering I was attending. He had a quiet confidence about him that immediately caught my attention. We didn’t exchange numbers or eye contact that night but by fate, we would end up on a date at The Betty in Atlanta just 6 months later. He was waiting for me by the bar in a suit, and I had on a cropped leather moto jacket and jeans. I promised myself that night that was the last time I was going to let him out-dress me.
We’d later head to another restaurant and he stood awkwardly close to me in the elevator. He’d grab my hand as we exited and maneuver me on the inside of the walkway. He asserted his masculinity in a very healthy way and lil miss Independent wasn’t sure how she felt about it. As he dropped me off later that night, I texted him “I enjoyed you 🥰” within minutes of walking through the door even though I wasn’t sure if we’d see a second date. I was still very much getting over a long distance dating situation that had just ended weeks prior and I was far from emotionally available.
From that night on, however, he consistently showed up on date nights an honorable gentleman. The way he walked, the gentleness in the way he talked to me. The way he celebrated me. The way he handled me. I had never leaned into my softness and femininity so easily. Our first night of intimacy, he did everything but lay rose pedals at my feet.
He also introduced me to the idea of slow mornings. The kind where you wake up under your person, and eat breakfast or drink smoothies in bed as the sun slowly rises. The world has completely stopped and no one is rushing to get to anywhere because nothing else matters in that moment but the moment. Even the mornings he may have had to deal with an early call or meeting, he’d offered to run the shower or brew me up some tea. It was those small details for me.
Most importantly, he taught me the value of celebrating even the smallest of wins. In the beginning stages, he took me out to celebrate milestones such as graduating my hormone health certification course, or selling out of product for the first time. He continued those celebrations just a few short weeks ago, taking me out to celebrate our one year anniversary of knowing each other.
The backdrop was inside the St. Regis and memories of the first month of us connecting was our soundtrack as the server brought over a bottle of champagne to the table and inquired about the special occasion. He told her that it was our anniversary and when she asked how long we had been together, he glanced over at me and said, “A Year.” He would later repeat this to a group of people in an elevator as they complimented us on how nice we looked and as we stepped into his place, Tone Toni Tony’s “Anniversary” blasted through his sound system. I danced around the room like a free spirit and later thanked him for being thoughtful enough to make a big deal out of that moment for us.
Looking back, these type of moments are how the romanticizing of him began for me. I tend to have a bad habit of romanticizing people and that causes me to ignore every yellow flag rising. I accept this as a shortcoming of mine.
From our first date over a year ago, to what he describes as “immense carnage” that recently happened between us, there was a lot of ons and offs, pauses, fading out of each others lives and pulling each others energy back in in-between. And somewhere in there I am now under the impression that I may have become an accidental side chick.
(and you know DAMN WELL I’ve done too much work on myself to be signing up to be anyone’s side!)
me trying to figure out where they got me f**ked up…
I won’t get into the specifics because this post can get messy real quick and I am not trying to drop hot piping tea on you after 3 years of disappearing from this thing. I’ll save your tastebuds, but what I will say is this…
Relationships (whether it’s dating, committed, situationship or marriage) will force you to collide with the weakest parts of yourself. We tend to attract who we are, and that person that we attract is a mirror. Oftentimes we may not like what we see.
I remember when talking to my sister about this particular situation, I used to say "I’ve never seen him raise his voice. We never had an argument or conflict" as though it was a good thing but who are you in conflict? Do you fight fair or do you use manipulation and gaslighting tactics that can cause further trauma in those who don't have the tools to recognize what is happening in that moment? Do you take accountability?
We always talk about love language, but what’s your conflict language?
When I look back at our communication over the past few weeks, I was going for understanding and he was at times going for war. I know a lot of what we say in the heat of conflict are embedded in hurt, pain, disappointment and also trauma responses and that’s why it hasn’t cut as deep as it may have under a different circumstance, but I was completely taken aback. Especially by the gaslighting that made me question every moment we’ve ever shared. And it does hurt. I’m hurting because the situation as complicated as it was kind of blindsided me, but I’m also hurting because I know he is hurting as well.
I never would have thought this would be our ending but I also realize that sometimes you can’t control your ending. Even if you think you have the pen…
A few years ago, this situation would have left me in shambles, but I am walking out of it with my head high and still in my power. Still praying for him and his happiness but also putting myself first.
I love this version of me and I’ll continue to hone her with every new dating experience.
One step closer to my soulmate. 💫✨💕
In case you haven’t realized, I’m back. It’s been awhile and I have a lot to catch you up on — my whole life has changed. If you aren’t interested in my weekly musings, please feel free to unsubscribe to save your inbox from my weekly journal entries.
Also, I missed you!!!
Podcasts I’m currently loving
Books that helped elevate my views on relationships
The 7 Principles For Making Marriage Work
What I’m obsessing over at the moment
I love sunflowers!!!
What I hate that I’m loving…
I’m so anti-AI because I don’t know what it means for our future but I do use it to help me write product descriptions and other content when I hit a wall and don’t have the patience to wait on an actual copywriter for turnaround.
This had me on the floor…. okay?!!! lol!
Tweet of the week - Tennis got me looking snatched….
P.S. I realize this random post on a Sunday without a proper catch up is like that bad ex that tries to spin the block. I’ll do better friends. It’s just that I’ve been overthinking this newsletter thing for a long time. Newsletters are now used for content marketing and to convince people to buy things from you but all I want to do is write about my life and be human for a minute. Even if it makes me look crazy at times… I’m still trying to figure my life out.
Please like, and comment to let me know you care about my musings and let me know what you’d like to see more of from me.
Chat soon!
This random post on a Sunday soothed and inspired me. Thank you and welcome back 🫶🏾.
"conflict language" wow that's good.
I remember during my last relationship I romanticized the fact that we never argued or raised our voices too (okay once, she wanted me in a group chat on WhatsApp and I don't do group chats - Also thought she just wanted read notifications because she used iPhone, ew!)... I thought it was because of how mature we were. This must be Love!
Nah, it's because we didn't know how to communicate displeasure well. We had the uncomfortable talks, but we filed away the truly unpleasant ones that came to a head down the line - like her need to micromanage and place all her family and friends into group chats 😞
I now know that conflict mitigation > conflict avoidance. Plus, if I think an interpersonal conflict (not something like cheating)... Might dissolve the relationship, I'm probably in the wrong relationship.
Sometime ago we chatted about therapy and writing letters. I haven't physically wrote this one but I've mentally crafted a thank you letter to my ex... I feel these are powerful because you have to deal with resentment, you can't carry it.
I don't want to quote Will Smith... but it hit me when he was talking to his son in "Just the two of us," "hate in your heart will consume you too."
Like entrepreneurs or inventors that aren't successful the first few times say, "I now know five ways not to do it."
"Now I realize what those mistakes were for" - Bobby Brown (no relation 😏)
I'm thankful for the learning opportunity, I am a better man than when I entered that relationship.
My future wife is thankful as well!